Sunday, May 16, 2010


This week, I am extremely frustrated with life. I am struggling to understand myself and what I want versus what the world around me is trying to convince me I want. Long story short, I was at the beach this weekend with some very good friends I've known a very long time. We've gone through a lot together and I was looking forward to it. By the end of the weekend, I was in tears and angry about some of my own actions and some of theirs. It seems that they don't think I really want to move to Canada. Which got me wondering, do other people think that? What am I saying to others to make them think that? And are they right? I have never been so doubtful about a decision before as I am right now. True, big decisions are, well, BIG. But at this point I've already "quit" my job and started cleaning out my apartment. Everyone knows I'm planning to leave, so why tell me you don’t think I want to go?

It hurts that I feel so little support for this decision. I am flattered that people don’t want me to leave, but come on. Shouldn’t my friends be somewhat supportive? I am still going to be friends with them. I am moving to be with a guy that makes me very happy. I mean, ridiculously happy. I was telling another friend about this and asked her the same question, “What do you hear when I talk about D and Canada?” Her answer surprised me. She said that in all the years I’ve known her, she’s never seen me so happy. So how can others doubt my intentions if I am “so happy”? I just wish I felt more support from the people around me. This is going to sound harsh but the whole thing makes me think that maybe certain friends aren’t really the good friends I thought they were and that makes it easier to leave them behind.

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